Return to Smut Valley High
by LaRosedesVents
Summary: A parody of the famous SVH series and the unforgettable twins. In this story, Elizabeth - "Eleanor" - stops being boring and gives Jessica - "Jezebel" - a run for her money  a bit like "Dear Sister" . It all began with a slutty hot pink halter top...
1. Chapter 1

_I had too much fun making fun of the "perfect" Wakefield twins in this parody of the SVH series. Hope no one minds the exaggerated flaws and the outright mockery of the "perfect" little town; nothing is scared here._

Jezebel and Eleanor Wakefiend were twins. Sixteen, Californian and blonde, they were identical down to the last dark-gold eyelash. And what eyelashes those were! Long, fluttering and dark, they never needed mascara because they were so perfect. Come to think of it, the twins' looks were flawless; the quintessential California blondes, they were tanned to a perfect honey color and their long silky hair shone golden in the sunlight. They had perfect oval faces, dazzling blue-green eyes the color of the Pacific, heart-shaped pink lips and radiant white smiles. Their features were dainty and perfectly proportioned. As though this weren't enough, they were the perfect height – 5'6" – and had identical size 4 figures; along with long slender legs, flat stomachs and tiny waists, they both needed triple D cup bras. Yes, the twins were both stunningly beautiful; it was a wonder they were still stuck in humdrum Smut Valley while they had looks to rival even Hollywood's most enhanced screen sirens.

However, the similarities between them were only skin deep. Jezebel was a flirt; if I were mean, I would say that she was a prick tease. She was selfish and her only interests were boys, shopping and tanning. Despite her superficial and often vicious nature, Jezebel was very popular at school; I suppose that because she was constantly showing off those huge boobs in low-cut tops and bikinis, most of the football team wanted to sleep with her. In fact, most of them had; in addition to being a cheerleader, Jezebel was the school slut though her deluded parents (Nerd and Candice) thought their Jessica was a good girl. Eleanor wasn't much better; while Jezebel was a selfish slut – who once spiked her sister and boyfriend's punch, resulting in his death in a tragic car crash – Eleanor was boring. She wore boring clothes – men's oxford shirts and ugly cargo pants – that hid her figure. She wrote boring articles for the school newspaper _The Orifice_. Eleanor had only had sex with one boy – her equally boring boyfriend Toad Dickinson – and did boring things with boring friends. Aeneid 'Alexandra' Rollins, her best friend, secretly resented Eleanor; the boring blonde was only popular because she was pretty and had big boobs – without these "assets", she would have been just as unpopular as Aeneid. Olive Droividson, her other friend, also secretly hated Eleanor; Olive was a strange girl with frizzy hair who called herself an "artist" because she could throw paint on a canvas. It was no surprise that Jerkey Frenchie had been in love with Eleanor while dating her, but she hated her friend for this.

Today, Jezebel – who was sleeping in a fuschia satin camisole with black lace trim – was woken by a screech. She started screaming too as she opened her eyes to see her twin standing over her and waving her fist at her.

"Lenny, stop shrieking, you interrupted my beauty sleep!" she bellowed.

"Never mind your beauty sleep!" Eleanor shouted back furiously, "You stole my white tank top and I can't find it in this mess you call a room! Where is it?"

"_Which_ white tank top? Do you mean the one that you wear almost every day? I don't know, it probably needs to be washed. Who cares? Here just wear this, it's new – and God knows you need to start dressing better," said Jezebel, tossing one of her many purchases at her sister and giving an affected little shudder as she looked over Eleanor's "outfit" of a washed-out blue oxford shirt and shapeless blue jeans.

"This? You want me to wear this? It doesn't have sleeves!" Eleanor exclaimed, examining the top. It was a hot pink halter top with a plunging front and only a bow-shaped tie at the back. However, she had no clean shirts left – Candice Wakefiend was having an affair with one of her co-workers and hadn't got round to doing laundry – and had no choice but to wear the revealing top.

"There you go, you're starting to look like you could be my twin! Now if you would just try on some skinny jeans…or a miniskirt…"

"Forget it," said Eleanor stalking out.

Tacky as the top was, Eleanor's style was so dull that even this was an improvement. The top made it impossible to wear a bra and so Eleanor's breasts were clearly outlined. At school that day, she received even more attention than Jezebel – who was sulking because no one was trying to look up her skirt – this never happened! Every boy was staring at Eleanor and Toad was feeling very pleased with himself. No fat ugly girls for him! He was going out with the girl who looked like a porn star – and had a twin! Little did he know that in their first year of college, a depressed Eleanor would put on some weight – to fit a perfectly average size 8 – and he would dump her in search of thinner, prettier girls. But that's another story – right now, Eleanor is stunningly gorgeous with a perfect figure that Toad is salivating over. Even Mr. Collins – the good-looking blond, blue-eyed English teacher who had raped Sue-Anne Devil and gotten away with it – was staring at his prize pupil. He was trying to figure out a way to sleep with her without getting rape charges pressed against him again (what a pain that had been!); maybe Eleanor would like some extra credit? After all, she was a nerd, despite that sizzling body.


	2. Chapter 2

After class, he walked Eleanor to the office where _The Orifice_ staff gathered for meetings. He eyed her- that rack! – and smiled guiltily as she looked up at him with her dazzling blue-green eyes.

"Mr. Cockllins, I really hope you'll like my article on hunger in north-east Vietnam," she said earnestly.

_Screw Vietnam_, Mr. Cockllins was thinking, _just pull down your top already_. But he nodded thoughtfully, "Yes, yes, we need more intelligent conscious-minded young women like yourself to raise awareness about inequality in this world."

He'd said the right thing; she rewarded him with a pleased smile.

During the meeting, his eyes stayed focused on Eleanor. Olive and Penisa - the chief-editor of _The Orifice_- was very unattractive, and looked even worse next to blond, golden Eleanor. He smiled indulgently at her, nodding as she elaborated on her article.

_If only her sister would get on the staff. And that leggy cheerleader, Amy Slattern. Those two sure get around. What a threesome that would…busty blonde twins and their slutty blonde cheerleader friend!_

"Yes, yes, Eleanor, that sounds very good,"

After the meeting, he asked Eleanor to stay to "revise" her article – any chance to sit next to her and eye her up some more.

Neither noticed Olive fidgeting outside the door, watching them. Poor Olive, with her frizzy mousy-brown hair and strange outfits, had always hoped that Mr. Cockllins would notice her. Olive thought he was gorgeous with his thick, wavy golden hair and bright blue eyes. She had always hoped that Mr. Cockllins would notice the quiet but uniquely beautiful – this was how Olive liked to think of herself – young girl with a dry wit and artistic style. It could happen! She had read so many articles about male teachers having affairs with their high-school students, unable to resist the charm of youth. Surely, Mr. Cockllins was not immune to the "charm of youth"? She watched jealousy as he sat very close to Eleanor and listened to her attentively – what was she yammering about now? That stupid article was so boring! – looking admiringly at her shining blond tresses and glowing skin. It had always bothered Olive that Mr. Cockllins' gaze lingered ever so briefly on Eleanor's breasts and lips during meetings, but she had brushed it aside. Now, however, it was undeniable that Mr. Cockllins was definitely not immune to Eleanor's youthful charms. He had taken her hand and was stroking her naked back (what on earth had Eleanor been thinking wearing something backless? She looked cheap – and more importantly, she was showing Olive up even more than usual). They were looking at each other intensely. To Olive's horror, Mr. Cockllin's leaned in and kissed her friend. She turned and ran away, frizzy hair flying in the wind as her heart broke (not for the first time – at this rate there'll only be heart-dust left).

Meanwhile, Eleanor was trembling, staring at Mr. Cockllins. He'd kissed her (and she'd enjoyed it)! Oh no – he was her teacher! And she'd cheated on Toad! Well, it wasn't the first time – she'd cheated on him with a French prince and an English werewolf in the past – but this was different – they'd recently actually been enjoying sex together! Tears welling up in her eyes, Elizabeth tore out of the room, slamming the door behind her dramatically.

_Shit_, thought Mr. Cockllins. He hoped he wouldn't get accused of sexual harassment or rape again. He hadn't meant to, but her breasts had been looking so big and she'd been looking at him with those bright eyes and hadn't minded when he touched her hand and back. Oh well, he'd enjoyed kissing her. If he was lucky, it wouldn't get back to his wife. She'd already been suspicious about Sue-Anne Devil – oh that girl had been like a pornstar! Raven hair, white skin, long legs and big pouty lips - she'd definitely leave him this time. But perhaps that wouldn't be such a bad thing – she'd been getting fat over the last year. If she didn't try to sue him and take half his house, he didn't care if she left.

While this drama had been unfolding, Jezebel had befriended Robbit Wiltson at the Dairi Burger. The girl was fat and had been introduced to Jezebel in school. Jezebel was glowing as Robbit complimented her on her looks, style and all-round perfection. She also liked the fact that next to fat Robbit, she looked more slender and beautiful than ever. She tossed her shiny blond hair like a model in a shampoo commercial and winked suggestively at a tattooed guy who was leering at her from across the room. She was getting more attention than ever today, especially without Eleanor walking around with her boobs half exposed. Wait, why was she getting upset? She had the exact same set. She undid a few more buttons of the fitted shirt she was wearing – her cleavage looked almost obscene. Perfect, that was how she liked to look, like a pornstar. The tattooed guy was almost drooling now and even Robbit was staring at her chest.

"Oh Jezebel," said poor Robbit, staring at her glamorous friend in awe, "You're so pretty, all the guys are staring at you".

Jezebel smiled with satisfaction.

"Well Robbit, you could look quite attractive yourself. You have quite nice blue eyes and pretty brown hair. If you weren't so fat, you could almost be cute," she said patronizingly.

"Oh Jezebel! How sweet of you! That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me," cried Robbit, her shiny blue eyes filling with tears.

"Oh, it's nothing," said Jezebel lowering her eyelashes with false modesty.

Robbit was really very nice, much more appreciative than Lillian Foulest, Jessica's biggest frenemy. She was also much less competition. Lillian was a beautiful girl as well, with silky dark brown hair, a tiny size 00 body (thanks to a special foreign chef and celebrity personal trainer, Jezebel thought to herself sulkily) and perfectly shaped (surgery?) C-cup breasts. She also had an unrivalled wardrobe, always ahead of the latest fashions.

The tattooed guy came over and spoke to Jezebel, ignoring Robbit.

"I'll buy you a burger if you come for a ride with me," he told her, staring right at her chest.

"Make it a burger meal," Jezebel told him in a business-like manner, sticking out her boobs even more.

"Deal."

And so it was that Robbit was left in the Dairi Burger with her unfinished food, while her blonde friend waved at her, clutching a large soda and a to-go bag. The tattooed guy slapped Jezebel's ass, which was encased in a tight black miniskirt. She jumped and turned to look at him, giggling. While Jezebel was in his car, having sex with him – hey, he bought her a burger _meal_ and this is good stuff! – Robbit resolved to lose weight; she too wanted sleazy tattooed guys hitting on her and offering to buy her fast food for sex. Yes, that would be a real accomplishment.


End file.
